Friday night I took a friend out to dinner to celebrate a major milestone in her life. Afterwards we decided to cap the night off with a few cocktails at one of our favorite gay martini bars, Twist. As I sat at the bar, nursing my drink and chatting it up, I began to notice a phenomena that hadn’t really occurred to me before: THE GAY UNIFORM.
What? You don’t have a gay uniform? Well, get ready to hop in your Jetta and rush out to the nearest suburban mall, because you’re just one shopping spree away from the ultimate gay uniform.
First stop, you’ll need to locate one of those clothing boutiques for teenage girls and pick up a sleeveless tee-shirt two sizes too small. It should also come just an inch short of reaching your waist line. If you’re a bottom and under the age of 23, you’ll want to make sure it has a cutesy phrase in glitter that says “I’m hot!” or “Boys like me.” If you’re a top or between the ages of 23 and [well, based on what I saw Friday night, there is apparently no age limit for the gay uniform] opt for a sleeveless tee in a solid color. You can always spice it up with a choker from the jewelry kiosk across from Mrs. Fields (don’t even think about it, you just came from the gym).
Next, head over to the EXPRESS Men’s store for a pair of jeans. Here you’ll find a cute twink behind the counter text messaging his girlfriend on his Sidekick. Ask him to point you in the direction of the “low-rise, crotch hugging, booty snugging” section. Oh, and make sure these are at least one size too small. I don’t care if you have to use a whole tube of Astroglide to get into these jeans. Tight! Tight! Tight! Hear me?
Now you need a pair of shoes and a belt, so whip out the Macy’s charge card because these might set you back a buck or two. When it comes to finding the right belt for the gay uniform you have two choices: either dazzling rhinestone, or brushed steel with a buckle in the shape of the initials of some couture fashion house. There’s only one choice for shoes and that’s anything that looks like it belongs in a bowling alley from the from the Kenneth Cole Sport collection.
Once you have all the elements of your gay uniform, you’ll need to make sure you have time to stop by the salon for an eyebrow arch. That pink puffy look caused by the irritation of the razor blade on the eyelids is just so damn sexy! If you’re light-skinned or of the Caucasian persuasion you may want to consider a 10 or 15 minute nap in the tanning bed. No need to worry about skin cancer or premature aging—we’ve got the rest of our lives think about that.
Okay, all jokes aside. I’m not really trying to come across as catty, and I don’t believe there is anything wrong with any of these style choices. It’s just that as I sat in the bar that night and took a good look around I saw tons of good looking men; and was intrigued by not a single one of them. Every man in the room kept one eye on the guy he was talking to, and the other on the door to see if something better was about to walk in. What’s even funnier is that everyone actually looked quite uncomfortable in their gay uniforms. I mean, it must be tough having to walk around with your stomach sucked in and your chest puffed out while attempting to keep your ass cheeks clenched together. No wonder we, gay men, tend to shuffle instead of walking casually. It’s called the gay man march.
Obviously uniforms serve a legitimate purpose. They are used to identify individual persons as associates of specific groups, organizations, or businesses. The gay uniform is no different. We dawn it in hopes that other gay men will notice us and deem us worthy of acceptance into this so-called society of which we so desperately want to belong. It’s the conformity the gay uniform represents that is disturbing. It has caused us to become laughable caricatures of who we THINK we are.
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