MasculineCurves

I guess I'll die another day (a weight loss update)

Dear Weight Loss Diary,

I owe you an overdue apology for not providing an update on my 2009 weight loss initiative, also known as "Operation Restore Hope." If you recall, I was all gung ho in January about my plan to lose 40 lbs this year. Well, the simple matter of the fact is that things haven’t been going as planned, and I've been too embarrassed to post an update. You know how it is when you set out to do something, you tell the whole wide world about it, but you fail to take the right steps to follow through? It can be quite humiliating. And humiliation is what I feel when I step on the scale and continue to see my weight fluctuate between 180 lbs and 185 lbs. I mean, it’s been three months now and I should have been able to drop 15 lbs to 20 lbs by now.

As far working out goes, that's not the problem. I'm doing yoga 3 to 5 times a week. And anyone who believes yoga is just a sissy workout consisting of some light stretching is absolutely wrong. It's an intense workout and I enjoy the physical and mental benefits of it over weight training. It seems to be a good fit for this stage of my life. I've purposely decided not to undertake a cardio routine at this time, because I only have so much time I can devote to working out and I'd rather do yoga instead.

So wherein lies the problem? Could it be that I just can’t seem to shake my addiction to junk food? Every day I wake up and tell myself “okay, this is going to be the day I change.” But change doesn’t happen. By the time the clock strikes noon I’m off and headed to the nearest McDonald’s or some other grease pit (in fact, it’s only Wednesday and I’ve had McDonald’s twice this week, and pizza today). The funny thing is, it’s not as if I don’t know how to eat to lose weight. In my twenties I did the whole narcissistic bodybuilding thing and I ate a meticulous diet. The 28 inch waist, 40 inch chest, and abs and ass to die for were proof that my hard work was paying off. I’m certainly not undereducated when it comes to nutrition. I know exactly what type of damage I’m doing each time I shove a fry or Reeses cup in my mouth. But I do it anyways. The best way to describe this food addiction is to compare it to a smoker who knows he’ll certainly meet an early death if he doesn’t quit, but that isn’t enough to get him to kick the habit.
 
Last year I even tried Weight Watchers which is considered by the majority of health professionals to be the most effective weight management program available. Weight Watchers runs on the principle of keeping a log of what you eat and assigning points to your food choices. Sure, I logged my food intake, but it didn’t stop me from racking up the points and eating whatever I damn well pleased. I FAILED! The comfort food provides me seems to be more powerful than the desire to improve my self-esteem.

So where do I start? Especially after a day like today in which I indulged in 3 slices of pizza, cupcakes, and non-diet soda? (Not to mention hardly any water intake.) I guess I start by coming home, reassessing my priorities, and choosing a dinner consisting of a baked tilapia filet drizzled in light olive oil and small side salad. Tomorrow’s another day, and who knows? It might just be the day I may change.

Soul Food Sunday

If you know me personally, or if you've been following this blog for awhile, then you know my struggle with body image over the years has made my life quite limited. And what I mean by that is I've not allowed myself to really get to appreciate me for who I am. I rarely step in front of a camera, and there are literally years of my life that have not been documented because of my agile ability to avoid the cameras of friends and family.

So here I am, at the heaviest weight I've ever been in my life (182 lbs) and I'm taking pictures. Today marks the first day of Operation Restore Hope (ORH), my 40lb weight loss challenge for 2009. Initially I wasn't going to take "before" pictures because I was afraid of what I might see. But then I thought about it, and I realized that if I'm going to do this then I must be up front with myself and face reality in order for me to move past this.

I took a few snapshots last night, and, amazingly, for the first time in my life I don't hate what I see in front of the camera. I don't know, maybe it's maturity, but something has changed in my mentality. I see these and I actually feel good about who I am. Not to sound narcissistic, but I look at these and I realize I'm not a bad looking guy. Sure, I need to lose some weight. But I believe that a positive frame of mind and a realistic image of who I am is perhaps the best start to any weight loss initiative.

Today is soul food Sunday. Perhaps not the type of soul food you might be thinking. Today I am tackling my bad eating habits. I can no longer depend on fast food, dining out, and potato chips for my daily nutritional intake. I don't really know my way around the kitchen, but in order for me to get my eating under control I realize I need to start preparing my own meals. The objective of soul food Sundays is to make a big healthy meals that I can package up and have at the ready throughout my hectic week. My friend Jessica (who is embarking upon this weight loss journey with me) was wise and gave me a slow-cooker (crockpot) cookbook for Christmas. So today I have vegetarian chili brewing in the crock pot...and let me tell you it smells oh so good! Also, I took the extra zucchini I didn't use for the chili recipe and baked a low-fat zucchini bread from a recipe I downloaded off the web (click herefor the recipe). This will be nice to have around to help me stave off my sugary carb cravings. Well that's all for now. Yep, it's Soul Food Sunday, but no ham hocks and collard greens for me.

See more of my "before" pics after the jump.

Dear Weight Loss Diary

Above: Me in 2000 at the peak of my obsessive body-conscious phase (I was 24 then). Unfortunately, I don't have pics of myself without a shirt from those days as I've always hated being in front of the camera. But trust me, I was ripped. My bodyfat percentage was 4% at this time. I remember this because I used to test it about every week and kept a log. I am so lean here that my shirt is literally hanging off me (my waist was a 28 then). I still have this shirt and I tried it on today. My belly is so big that it's bulging at the buttons. (click here to see a recent self-pic.)

Dear Weight Loss Diary,

Well, I'm in the second day of "operation restore hope." WIth the holidays coming up I realize it may seem like an odd time to jump into a weight loss initiative. But I didn't want to do the cliche "New Years Resolution" thing. I tried that last year, and it didn't work. I'm also being careful to make eating habit and lifestyle changes in moderation. I believe I'll experience more success if ween myself off the junk food and sweets, instead of quitting cold-turkey.

Today I ate pretty well. I won't bore you with all the details of each meal, but I will say that I started the day off with a hearty, but healthy breakfast. I had a small bowl of oatmeal, scrambled eggs (1/4 cup eggbeaters and 1 whole egg) with a light sprinkling of fat-free cheese, and an 8 oz. glass of 1% milk. What I've discovered is that I haven't been eating enough for breakfast, so I'm usually jonesing for some sort of sugary pastry by 10 a.m. That didn't happen this morning. About the only set back I had was indulging myself with three small Christmas cookies at lunch. Hey, like I said, I'm "weening" myself off the sweets. Typically, I graze all day long on Christmas cookies around this time of year.

Also, I actually cooked dinner this evening, which is amazing because I am allergic to the kitchen. Seriously, I am the most un-domesticated gay man on earth. I really hate to cook. But anyways I made baked salmon over a bed of long-grain rice with green bean amandine on the side. Okay, so maybe the salmon was pre-seasoned and frozen, and the rice was "Uncle Ben's Ready Rice," and the green beans were the supermarket's generic version of Jolly Grean Giant. But that's about all your gonna get from me. Actually I had to saute the almonds for the amandine sauce (and yes I used a butter substitute), so I really did cook!

Of course, before dinner I made it to the gym after work. Wow. It's been nearly two years since I've followed a regular work out routine. Hopefully, it will stick. Back in the day when I was a fitness finatic I used cut out pictures of the hot guys in muscle magazines and tape them to my wall as inspiration (I know it sounds a little juvenile). But today as I was standing shirtless in front of the mirrow in the locker room I took a good long look at myself and got all the inspiration I need.  Up until today, seeing myself shirtless is something that would have been very hard for me emotionally. But today was different. It was actually an easy thing to stand there and face the rolls of fat around my mid-section (not to mention the manboobs too!). It was easy because I've finally come out of denial and I recognize the fact that I've got to do something. The real me was more inspiring than any unattainable, airbrushed muscle freak could ever be.

So how do I feel? I feel hopeful. I know it will be a hard road, especially at the age of 33 (I'm not able to workout like a 20-something anymore). But I'm looking forward to the transformation. More to come...

It's official. I'm obese!

Okay, so I just stepped on the scale and got shock of a lifetime. Yes, it's official, I am the fattest I've ever been in my life. At first, the scale read 184.5lbs, and I thought to myself 'that can't be right.' So I stripped off all my clothes and gave it another try.... 181lbs. Huh? How can that be? I've yo-yo-ed with my weight for many years, but I never broke the 180lb mark. So of course I wasn't believing what I was seeing so I got on and off the scale several times over. But it didn't change. Yep, 181 is the number. I am the biggest I've ever been in my life.

I'm really not certain if this is a tragedy or a triumph. I mean, I once was a person who was overly obsessed with working out and maintaining a 4% body fat. And let me tell you, it is not easy to maintain a body fat percentage that low. It takes working out twice a day and meticulous scrutiny of every morsel of food that goes into my mouth. During my insane body perfection phase I couldn't even chew a stick of gum without double checking to make sure the nutrient counts were permissible to my alloted daily intake. And even then, chewing a stick of gum meant I'd have to sacrifice a quarter of a protein shake. So, it's a triumph that I'm over the obsession. But I cannot deny the tragic feeling of defeat.

I was 128 lbs back then, and I could walk into any store, try something on, and have it look good on me. I won't lie, that was a good feeling. Now, I dread the thought of shopping for clothes. Even though I am in desperate need of a new wardrobe more than ever, because my "fat" clothes have become too tight.

this weight thing is obviously something I've got to tackle head on. Not just for vanity purposes (although that is a motivator). But for health reasons as well. At a height of only 5'4" this puts my BMI at 31.1 which according to the expert opinion of the on-line body mass index calculator is considered, well, uhm... verbatim: "Adults with a BMI of 30 or more are considered excessively overweight, or obese."

How will I lose the weight? More to come...